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“…a woman feels the rage of
innocence when a traumatic event undermines the viability of her perceptions
and altars her expectations about her world. Fundamentally, her trust has been
betrayed.” (p14)
“Rage is a total mind and
body experience…it blocks out all other emotions.” (p20)
“The deepest wounds are
inflicted, [Pam Killen, psychotherapist, believes] ‘when a child is disregarded
or not recognized as a distinct human being.’ When her autonomy is not
recognized, she internalizes a belief that her selfhood is invalid and unworthy
and that she is somehow to be blamed for her own inadequacy.” (p21)
“Girls are well trained to
contain their slights, to stifle their fury at a parent’s neglect or lack of
recognition, and to repress intense feelings connected with violation of their
bodies and souls…When the infection is severe and painful, a young woman’s
emotional growth cannot progress beyond those moments of trauma in her early
development. Her behavior, her appearance, and her survival mechanisms are
defined and stunted by rage. Without professional help, she rehearses her rage
endlessly, expressing it in passive-aggressive behavior, or unpredictable
aggressive outbursts, or illnesses, or a perpetual aura of personal injury.
Women caught up in childhood rage find it difficult to step out of this
self-destructive, addictive cycle, and their relationships suffer…When a
person’s sense of self-worth is threatened in later life, rage rushes in to
shield the psyche.” (p21)
“Many mothers whose lives are
painful or who feel deprived create daughter surrogates to bear their rage.
Instead of confiding in their daughters and sharing, these mothers use
excessive discipline, anger, and criticism to express their pain. When it is
too late, many daughters discover their mothers’ secrets, and wish their
mothers had been more open about their problems and pain. When the women in a
family disclose their secrets, many times there is a chance for healing
long-term rage and resentment.” (p158)
“The sleeping Medusa is our
metaphor for the enraged woman in her unconscious state; such a woman is off
her guard, vulnerable to any strike, and she passively allows others to control
her fate. Such a woman is frightened by powerful emotions; she fears change,
public scrutiny, and disruptions in her life. It is less frightening for her to
continue in the numbness of a familiar misery than to face the challenges of shaping
an active existence. Unconscious women are not on guard; their eyes are closed
to the dangers of exploitation and the signs of manipulation…” (p166-69)
“When a woman chooses not to
know, her cognitive systems shut down and she becomes prey to fear, insecurity,
and depression. Her rage, prevented from reaching the cognitive part of the
brain, the cerebral cortex, gets buried in the brain stem. There it lodges like
a time bomb waiting to explode. In order to avoid her rage, a woman may have to
numb herself to all feelings: She may not know whom she likes and whom she
doesn’t; she may distance herself from sexuality, burying it in fat or
fantasies. Some women retreat from life to keep their rage at bay…” (p169)
“[The] fusion of identity and
emotion, when the person becomes the feeling itself, is peculiar to women,
according to Jeanne Shub, Albany child and family therapist… ‘Women get
obsessed and caught up in the wounding, the rejection, the abandonment, and the
rage of separation…’” (p176)
“In Women Who Run with the
Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola
Estés…[believes it is rage] that lies buried beneath the pain and anger of
traumatic memories….She suggests drawing a time line of one’s life on a piece
of paper, marking out the crossroads and the paths not taken over the years.
For many women, the “big deaths” are memories of traumas: betrayal, harassment,
sexual abuse, or rape. The “little deaths” are more subtle misdemeanors —
wounding slights, belittling comments, and painful rejections….Plumbing the
depths of her psyche and unearthing the layers of sedimental pain is a ritual
that can lead her to cleansing of the spirit.” (p199-200)
Rage transmuted into energy
is a powerful weapon for change but must be guided by forgiveness, the final
stage in a woman’s transformation of her anger…When a woman holds on to her
rage, it becomes a poison circulating in her bloodstream; when she transforms
it, rage can become determination, creativity, courage, and passion.” (p216)
“Form an image of how you
would feel empowered. Picture yourself responding in a way that would make you
proud. Remember a time in your past when you handled a rageful incident well.”
(p236)
“Assertiveness is an antidote
to rage. When women are assertive, they abandon their position of helplessness
by creating an equal playing field on which to face others as equals. They
stand up for themselves and are able to set limits. Assertive women can say no,
set and realize goals, and express what they really think and believe
themselves. Being assertive means declaring who you really are without
trampling on the territory or feelings of others…it means…stating your ideas
and rights in a noncombative, direct but forceful way. Asserting and declaring
your rights moves you out of the role of the victim and teaches others that you
are unwilling to be victimized….Small acts…are incremental steps toward
learning self-assertion. (p236-7)
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