He finds me in my dreams. TWENTY years later and he still finds me. My body trembles with, with what? Excitement? Fear? Disgust? I think some of each of these feelings rush through me, in my dreams.
First he touches me and I like it, but I am deceived. I am no longer sixteen and stupid. He has no hold on me! I am an adult, in an adult relationship, with kids of my own! I push him off of my body and cry out,
“You get away from me!”
“You are ugly!”
“You are weak!”
“You are dead to me!”
I wake up and feel deflated, angry, but safe. Safe for now. Until he finds me again.
TWENTY years later and he still finds me.
His words stung like salt in a paper-cut, but I knew he was right, I deserved them..,
Stupid!! Why did I think it was okay to wear this trashy, old tank top? Did I think I would somehow escape the lustful looks of others? I am so stupid.
Whore!! I look like one, I admit it.
Liar!! I promised I would respect his wishes and dress appropriately. I am such a liar.
One of these days I am going to get hurt if I don’t smarten up!How could I ever live without him? I’m so lucky. I love him so much. I only hope I can make him happy.