Everyone knows people who are alcoholics or drug addicts. Some of us know compulsive gamblers or people with eating disorders. It is commonly accepted that drug and alcohol addictions are real and that the addiction causes physiological dependence. It is less understood, however, why people become addicted to behaviors even though there is a psychological component that is often tied to some trauma that has happened in the person’s life. But it is the nature of our society to blame people for their behavior and to assume that everyone is, or should be, in control of their actions at all times. It is this belief that prevents people from understanding and accepting the phenomenon of sexual addiction (or sexual compulsion).
It’s not that drug or alcohol addiction is accepted in our society. But there have been recovery programs and support groups for these types of addicts for so long now that people have come to understand that some people do not have control over strong substances. But sex addiction conjures such deviant images in people’s minds that it is villianized, ignored, or simply disbelieved. How could anyone lose control over their sexuality?
It really should not be that hard to believe or accept. We live in a rape culture where common statistics point to the figure that one in three women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Much of this sexual abuse, of both women and men, occur in the home, in the family. When this form of abuse happens in childhood or adolescence, during our most impressionable developmental years, children grow up with unhealthy and abnormal ideas about sexuality. According to. Michael Herkov, Ph.D in his article What Causes Sexual Addiction?, “Research has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional familiesare more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children."”
Often in these scenarios, the victim who has been sexually acted out against grows up developing a habit of sexual acting out. Post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD) often builds upon itself, causing sexual victims to repeat self-harming sexual behavior that creates even greater mental or physical trauma.
Other believed causes of sexual addiction are chemical imbalances in the brain caused by mental illness, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or depression. Some addicts use sex as an escape from stress or reality. Others use sex as a form of power rather than pleasure, often in a sometimes-subconscious effort to regain control that was stolen from them when they were young or vulnerable.
So when is sexual activity an addiction, a form of “acting out”, rather than the natural, normal experiences of sexuality? According to Don’t Call It Love, Recovery From Sexual Addiction by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph. D., a well-known expert in the study of sexual addiction and therapist of sexual recovery, there are ten signs of sexual addiction:
1. a pattern of out-of-control behavior
2. severe consequences due to sexual behavior
3. inability to stop despite adverse consequences
4. persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high-risk behavior
5. ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior
6. sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy
7. increasing amounts of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficient
8. severe mood changes around sexual activity
9. inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience
10. neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior
When simply reading this list, the signs of sex addiction seem vague. They could almost apply to anyone. Who hasn’t used porn occasionally or had harmless casual sex for fun? But when one sex addict applies examples from her life to each of these ten signs, the problem becomes more clear and evident.
One female sex addict, who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons of self-esteem and reputation, has written down examples of how each of the ten signs of sex addiction manifested themselves in her life. She later used this documentation of her own personal case study in presenting her first step of recovery (in a twelve-step support group and recovery program called Sex Addicts Anonymous which is fashioned after AA, Alcoholics Anonymous) to others in her SAA group. The First Step of the SAA Twelve-Step Program:
We admitted we were powerless over our addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.
She has shared this documentation of her first step with us, in an effort to shed some light on sexual addiction for others who do no understand sexual addiction or who may not yet accept their own sexual addiction. For this story, she will be called Janelle.
1. a pattern of out-of-control behavior
Janelle: I noticed a pattern of behavior after I’d been cheating on various boyfriends for a number of years. I cheated on my first true loving boyfriend repeatedly during college. I loved him and did not understand why I needed other men to feel satisfied. So I decided that it must have been because I was young, or he was not “the one”. I even thought that perhaps monogamy was simply not possible for me.
But then after I’d moved on to another serious boyfriend and then another, continually finding myself caught in love triangles or other soap-opera scenarios, I recognized that I had a pattern of behavior that left me unable to have a healthy, happy, successful committed relationship.
Over time, this behavior became “out of control” because the cheating continued even after numerous experiences of getting caught by both my boyfriends and my paramours. Even throughout the stress of being caught and forced to try to explain my behavior, it would continue. In order to escape the stress of each failed relationship and each hurt person in my life, I would find a new man with whom to become involved, and the cycle would begin again, out of my conscious control to stop it.
2. severe consequences due to sexual behavior:
Loss of good boyfriends, loss of friends, contraction of an STD, poor reputation at work, poor reputation among friends, physical symptoms due to extreme stress, depression, inability to be honest even to my counselor,
3. inability to stop despite adverse consequences:
Even after losing one relationship that I believed would last a lifetime due to repeatedly hurting my “soul mate”, I carried the same disrespectful and painful behavior to the next boyfriend. Even after having been caught cheating by him and given another chance, I cheated again, and with a man who did not even matter to me. This experience of being caught and given another chance happened several times, and each time I hurt the man who was showing me unconditional love, as well as hurting other good men. I was completely confused and stressed out and depressed and in pain and yet I could not stop acting out even for a couple weeks.
4. persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high-risk behavior:
During my extreme times of acting out, I risked many things for the temporary high of the moment. I would drink heavily to reduce the feelings of guilt associated with my behavior and to give me the confidence to continue such behavior. I would skip meals to act out. I would act out at work, risking being caught by coworkers or bosses. Sometimes while making out in the parking lot at work, I WOULD get caught by coworkers who would then gossip about my behavior. I risked being caught by my boss while acting out with my coworkers on business trips. I also risked damaging or ruining my coworker’s marriage because of our sexual involvement. I sometimes risked pregnancy or disease by acting out without protection.
5. ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior:
Each time I was caught acting out and I would witness the hurt and pain I’d put
others through, I would make a promise to myself and others that I would stop
acting out, at least long enough to determine why I was doing what I was doing
and what it was I really wanted.
6. sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy:
Any time I would enter a public area, such as a restaurant, a meeting room at work, or a public bus or library, for instance, I immediately began so scope out my “options”. Who in the area was attractive to me? Who was noticing me? Who could I make a “connection” with? Even when driving to and from work, I was always aware of the men in vehicles around me on the highway. I would see an arm out of the window and that would be enough to spark a fantasy of “hooking up,” either with a stranger or with some other object of my obsession at the time, that would last sometimes an entire afternoon, or at least the entire commute. When I became bored, I would revert to my fantasies. I actually used sexual fantasy and sexual acting out as a cure or coping mechanism for boredom!
7. increasing amounts of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficient:
I used to think that being able to flirt with another man while still in a committed relationship would be satisfying enough for me. Just knowing that another man was interested in me would give me just enough extra passion. But flirting would always escalate. I would then believe that announcing my interest to another man would give me enough of a feeling of freedom that I would not need to act on it. But then I would desire more, to touch or kiss the other man. Then after a touch or a kiss, I would feel a need to make out, and this would often escalate to sex. But even after sex the experience would escalate into some form of an on-going relationship. Eventually I would find myself stuck again, unable to remove myself from the uncomfortable position I’d found myself in. So what would I do? I’d find a new man and insert myself all over again.
8. severe mood changes around sexual activity:
Romantic or sexual activity often became the most important thing to me, mentally. Nothing would give me the mental and physical rush of a new love interest, or of the beginning phases of a new sexual relationship. But many times my mood was extremely negatively affected by this sexual activity. If, for instance, I was unable to successfully seduce a man I desired, I’d become angry and depressed, obsessed with the idea. The only thing to take me out of my unhappy obsessive state would be to find a new man to seduce. Often after seduction, however, my emotions we become manipulated by the high of the acting out. Sometimes I would fool myself into believing that I actually wanted a relationship with this person. On the other hand, my mood would be adversely affected in regard to my sexual relationship with my committed boyfriends. After the relationship would progress to the point that in normal relationships people become comfortable, content, and bonded, I would become restless and disinterested. I would no longer desire sex with my partner and would instead desire sex with anyone other than my partner. Yet I was somehow unable to let my partner go. I never knew if I could believe my emotions at any given time and I never knew what I really wanted or needed.
9. inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience; and
10. neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior:
There were times it seemed that an entire day was spent fantasizing about sex. I’d go through the motions of my daily routine (work, meals, socializing) but all along I’d be thinking about my last or my next sexual encounter. When out at bars with friends, I’d often allow myself to be left alone while friends moved on to another bar so that I could pursue some target I’d found. Often these attempts were fruitless, at which times I’d feel angry and depressed, as I mentioned before. Sometimes I’d get what I wanted and I’d feel great at the time, but guilty later for having neglected or stood up friends. On business trips, I’d lose sleep and show up to my appointments half-awake because of the hours the night before spent seeking the attention of or spending time with a male coworker. When involved with multiple men at once, all my free time would be spent trying to hide my affairs with one man from another, or trying to help a lover recover from my lies. After being caught, again, for my lies or my affairs, days would often be spent trying to recover, to explain myself to those I hurt, to try to reconcile, to go to counseling to try to interpret my behavior.
Janelle wrote her examples down after attending a local SAA group for a few months. When analyzing her behavior and her thought patterns, she could no longer deny that if she was not a sex addict, she was at least sexually compulsive, unable to be strong against her sexual impulses, always needing to give in to them. She suffered through a state of emotional and physical limbo for over ten years, recovering from one damaged relationship after another, until she began to accept the reality of her addiction and to seek help for her addiction by being honest with herself and others. She no longer acts out on a regular basis and has been able to maintain a mostly normal, satisfying life. She has come to realize that for her, a past experience with a sexually abusive family friend at a young age has caused her to have confusing and unhealthy ideas about sex which, she believes, was the ultimate cause of her addictive acting out patterns.
She is now participating in a form of therapy that helps people to unlock frozen memories and to reprocess them in a healthy manner. She hopes that someday soon, her mental state will catch up to her physical state so that she not only doesn’t act out, but no longer desires acting out. For now, however, she continues to seek support at SAA because of her ongoing struggle to maintain an honest, healthy lifestyle.
Other sex addicts like Janelle have lost their normalcy through behaviors such as compulsive masturbation, constant use of internet pornography or online social services, obsessive use of strip clubs and massage parlors, cruising for prostitutes or anonymous sex, compulsive exhibitionism, and even extreme sexual avoidance due to a fear of any sexual activity that takes place outside of the mind. These people are men, women, young, old, professionals, clergy, students, parents, grandparents, husbands, wives, celebrities, politicians, nerds, the girl next door. Their brains have become addicted to the release of dopamine that can only occur through acting out.
If you think you can relate to Janelle’s stories, or to several of the items on the list of ten signs, or you’ve noticed that your sexual behavior, for whatever reason, has caused you pain and dissatisfaction over a period of time, you may have an addiction. You should begin reading, researching, and even visiting counselors or support groups; don’t be afraid to confront the reality and admit that you have a problem. Instead begin the process of seeking how you can get better.
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